Have
you ever had a relationship that started out in a seemingly perfect way? You
were both incredibly attracted to each other. You spent hours talking on the
phone. You spent much of your day thinking about that person. You could not
wait to get together again for your next date. You were falling in love with
this person when they started saying things that you disagreed with. At first
you ignored some of their comments. However, over time they started to really
bother you. The two of you began to argue frequently until you both decided
that your relationship had no future.
Influence Love
Everyone
has been a part of a relationship story similar to this one. Sometimes these
stories play out over a few weeks other times they play out over a few years. No
matter how long the relationship lasted, we find ourselves asking the question
“How could something that started so good end so badly?” The answer is found in
a concept called “Influence Love”
based on the four-step “Intelligent
Influence” framework on successful human interaction outlined in my book Intelligent Influence: The 4 Steps of Highly
Successful Individuals and Organizations.
The
concept of Influence Love is rooted
in the belief that we are products of our influences. I am known for saying “we do what we do, think the way we think and
accomplish what we accomplish because of influence.” Influence determines
everything from our favorite foods to our favorite sports teams to our favorite
music. I enjoy telling audiences that “I know what the best music in the world
is.” When I say that people in the audience look at me as if I am crazy.
However, when I tell them that the best music in the world is the music they
heard between ages 10 to 20 they start nodding their heads. They realize that
this music has a special place in their heart because it helped them through
emotional times like their first kiss or first bad break-up.
If
our musical tastes are based on influence, then our perspective, behavior and
desires in a relationship are also based on our influences. People in a
relationship are in synch or in conflict because of their past influences. It
is therefore almost impossible to have a happy healthy relationship without
understanding our influences and making the necessary influence adjustments to
ensure influence compatibility with our significant other. This is the reason
that Influence Love is the most
important ingredient in a relationship.
What
is Influence Love? The word “Love” is
defined by Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary as “an intense feeling of deep
affection.” I define “Influence Love” as an “intense feeling of deep affection
guided by an alignment of influences.” All too frequently, love doesn’t last.
People fall in and out of love very quickly these days because their influences
are out of alignment. The relationship starts out strong but the influences
from our past (when ignored) lead to conflict. Influence
Love on the other hand is a key to a lasting relationship because, in
addition to the intense feeling of love that brings people together initially,
there are common influences that keep people together for a long time.
A Relationship Example
Frequently,
people fall in love but the relationship falters because they fail to discuss
their influence differences. A simple example of the way influence can destroy
a relationship is a situation where the wife came from a family where the dad cheated
on her mother and the husband came from a family where his parents were
faithful and deeply in love but the Dad traveled frequently. This same couple
is experiencing conflict because the husband, who is faithful, is constantly on
the road for his job but the wife works close to their house. The wife, because
of her family influences, becomes overly jealous and constantly calls and
questions the husband about his travels and the women he works with on a
regular basis. The husband, who is not interested in any other woman, is
constantly on edge because of his wife’s insecurities. Their relationship is
doomed if they do not have an Influence
Love intervention.
Influence Love Development Process
If
ignored, these influences can destroy a marriage. However, if they follow the Influence Love four-step development process
they can transform a troubled marriage into an outstanding marriage. The first
step in the process is called “Influence
Awareness.” In this step, the couple openly and honestly shares the relationship
related influences that they bring to the marriage. The second step in the
process is called “Influence Impact.”
In this step, the couple discusses how these influences help or hurt the
relationship. This enables them to identify what influence related differences
the couple needs to work on to improve their relationship.
The
third step in the process is called “Influence
Management.” In this step, the couple develops a plan to overcome their
influence related differences. The fourth and final step in the process is
called “Influence Maximization.” In
this step, the couple implements the plan developed in step 3 in an effort to
align their influences in a way that increases the chance of their relationship
being successful for a long period of time. This process can be done by the
couple alone or with the help of a counselor. Regardless of how they do it,
every couple needs to go through the Influence
Love Development Process.
The
table below provides more information about this important process.
Influence Love
Development Process
Step
1: Influence Love Awareness: Discuss how each of you
have been influenced. What are your musical tastes? How did your parents
influence you? Whose relationship do you emulate? What has influenced your political
beliefs? What has been the biggest influence on your view of love? How were you
influenced to view commitment?
Step
2: Influence Love Impact: How are your influences similar? How
are your influences different? How do your influences impact your interaction?
How do your influences create conflict in your relationship?
Step
3: Influence Love Management: What are you doing to
make sure that your different influences align? What external influences will
bring you closer together? What influences do the two of you need to improve
your relationship? What is your specific plan to improve your relationship by
aligning your influences?
Step
4: Influence Love Maximization: How will you implement
the plan developed in Step 3? How do you maintain “Credibility” with each
other? How do you ensure that there is mutual respect? How do you maintain
“Creativity” in the relationship? How do you ensure that you are intellectually
compatible and remain interested in spending time with each other? How do you
maintain a “Connection” in the relationship? How do you ensure that there is a
strong emotional and physical connection with your partner?
The
increasing social stress on relationships makes the Influence Love Development Process
more important than ever. If you would like more information about enhancing
your relationship through this process, please contact Dr. Dale G. Caldwell at
(732) 208-9808 or at DrDGCaldwell@gmail.com.
